Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
