Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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