Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
