She is in my trunk
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Nobody cheats on THIS.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
