She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
MIDGETS
????
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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