i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
