If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
