Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
