I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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