Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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