I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
