That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
