Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
