hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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