Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
