the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So here I am, sexting at work.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
