dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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