note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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