mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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