you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
