I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
