Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
