I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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