I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize