Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
