Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
