It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
