From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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