Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
