Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
