Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
