Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
