Welp...herpes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
