She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
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What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize