I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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