I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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