2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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