I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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