you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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