a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
