All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
