How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
