I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
