There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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