Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
