You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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