i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
