i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
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Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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