Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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