she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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