Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
