In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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