STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
