after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am available for nakedness
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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