I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
