Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
