at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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