Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you didnt know i had herpes?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
