Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
