I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
