hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
