tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
