Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Randomize
