i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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