the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
