I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
